The Atheist and His Best Friend

An atheist dies and unexpectedly finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter looks at him over the big book and says, "Ah, it's you. My instructions are to ask if you now wish to enter Heaven."

The atheist blinks, opens his mouth once or twice, and says, "Before I do -- is my best friend Jack here?"

"No," says the saint. "He's down in the other place."

"I could never," says the atheist grandly, "worship a God who would send Jack to Hell just for not saying his prayers, or who would expect me to be happy in Heaven without Jack! I choose the other place with my friend."

"I must accept your answer," says the saint; and a moment later the atheist is in the Vestibule of Hell. There is another big book, and a devil looking at him over it.

"I see you refused Heaven of your own volition," says the devil. "What are we to do with you?"

"I demand to be with my friend!" says the atheist. "He doesn't deserve to be here, and whatever he's getting, I'm willing to share it."

"Ah yes," says the devil. "Your best friend, Jack. Circle of Traitors -- the infinite ice plain. Let's go."

Instantly the atheist finds himself face to face with Jack -- both of them neck-deep in the eternal ice, with an Antarctic gale howling in their ears. With some difficulty, Jack manages to make himself heard. "Hello, Ted."

"Hey there Jack," says Ted. "When I heard you were down here, I figured I wanted to be too. Who'd want to be with a God who'd do this to us? And why the Circle of Traitors?"

"I guess," said Jack, not quite meeting Ted's gaze, "that's what I get for fucking my best friend's wife."