November 6, 2026
The Shower Gets Turned On
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Past daily jokes
Past Daily Jokes
Browse previous jokes of the day from Daily Joke, catch up on missed daily laughs.
November 5, 2026
Building with the Most Stories
What building has the most stories? The library.
November 4, 2026
Coffee Spoon Eye Pain Joke
A patient goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a sharp pain in my eye."
The doctor says, "Have you tried taking the spoon out of the cup?"
November 3, 2026
What Kind of Keys Do Kids Like to Carry?
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
November 2, 2026
Laundry Confidence
I start laundry with confidence and finish with one mystery sock.
November 1, 2026
Neutron Walks into a Bar
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, 'How much for a beer?'
The bartender replies, 'For you? No charge!'
October 31, 2026
The Genie’s Three Wishes Gone Wrong
Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
"Guys, I think I fucked up."
October 30, 2026
Mountain Needs Space
Why did the mountain break up with the valley? It needed some space.
October 29, 2026
Time for a Switch
I broke up with my video game console, now it's my ex-box...
Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch.
October 28, 2026
The Long Checkout Line
My wife told me she’d be quick at the store — “just a few things.”
Two hours later, I called to check on her.
She said, “Don’t rush me, I’m in the checkout line.”
I asked, “How many people are ahead of you?”
She said, “All of them.”
October 27, 2026
Java Developers Wear Glasses
Why do Java developers wear glasses? Because they don’t C#.
October 26, 2026
Why Programmers Avoid Nature
Why don’t programmers like nature? It has too many bugs.
October 25, 2026
Why Work Feels Like Christmas
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
October 24, 2026
Boy Who Loved Tractors
There was a farmer's boy who loved tractors; went absolutely crazy for them. As he grew up, his bedroom was littered with tractor toys, wallpaper, ornaments, you name it. At the end of every school day, he used to go to just outside his father's farm and watch the tractors roll by. It was safe to say he knew what he wanted to do for a career: "twactor dwiver" he would always say as a child.
His 10th birthday rolled around, and there was a peculiar looking present awaiting him in the living room. It was a dog - a puppy at that! It was love at first sight for the boy. Now, at the end of every school day, he'd take his puppy for walks across the fields and farms where the tractors drove. His bedroom was now being shared between a love of tractors and dogs.
The dog had just turned 8; the boy was taking him for a walk, after college at the usual time across the usual field. He stopped to look at the sunset just appearing, until he heard a distinct and loud YELP! followed by the sound of a tractor engine. He gulped and looked down - to see the mutilated remains of his dog, mauled by a tractor. He didn't know what to feel, anger? Devastation? Betrayl? Either way, his first thought after "oh my god that's my dog's corpse" was "I need to drown my sorrows", and he headed to the local pub.
Upon arrival, the pub was closed - how could the day get any worse, he thought. The landlord was standing just outside, looking rather furious at a large amount of smoke eminating from the chimney.
"How come's you're shut?" asks the boy.
"I'm not sure" replies the landlord, "there must've been a problem in the kitchen, because loads of thick smoke backed up into the rest of the building".
"Mind if i take a look?" - without a reply from the landlord, the boy enters the pub to be greeted with an enormous amount of smoke. Not seemingly bothered by it, he takes a very deep breath. The amount of smoke noticeably reduces.
"Whatever you're doing is working, lad!" exclaims the landlord. The boy inhales again, and again, and again and gradually the smoke in the pub reduces to nothing. The landlord rejoices and enters the building; "Amazing! Drinks are on the house lad, anything you want! One question though: how on earth did you pull that off?"
The boy looks unsure for a second, but then replies - "Im an extractor fan".
October 23, 2026
My Book About the Black Death Was Rejected
I spent two years writing a book about the Black Death.
When I finally submitted the manuscript to a publisher, they rejected it immediately.
Apparently, they suspected me of plaguerism.
October 22, 2026
Why Did the Can Crusher Quit His Job?
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
October 21, 2026
Two Fish in a Tank
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other; "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
October 20, 2026
Therapy Nap Joke
Patient: "Doctor, I sleep during therapy." Doctor: "That’s okay, your dreams are part of the plan."
October 19, 2026
Incompatible Drivers
Why can't PC gamers use Uber?
Too many incompatible drivers.
October 18, 2026
Dog Patient
Patient: “Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt like this?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”
October 17, 2026
The Anniversary Gift Request
A man asked his wife what she wanted for their anniversary.
She said, “Something that goes from 0 to 100 in under three seconds.”
So he got her a bathroom scale.
October 16, 2026
The Student Who Wanted to Travel by Train
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad:
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, his dad replied:
Dear Son,
Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Dad
October 15, 2026
Demon Soles
PlayStation has announced a new line of shoes for gamers...
The first pair will be called Demon Soles.
October 14, 2026
The True Meaning of Multitasking
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
October 13, 2026
Family Tree Cactus
My family tree must be a cactus — it’s full of pricks, but I love them anyway.
October 12, 2026
The Airport Coffee Price
Airport coffee costs one latte and a small personal loan.
October 11, 2026
No Pre-Builds
Why do PC gamers hate adoption?
Because they don't want a pre-build.
October 10, 2026
Big Family Dinner
We had a big family dinner last night.
It was a beautiful moment — everyone came together to stare at their phones in the same room.
October 9, 2026
Days Are Numbered
I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.
October 8, 2026
Cantaloupe Wedding
Why did the melons not get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
October 7, 2026
Beets Me Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Beets.
Beets who?
Beets me. I’m just here for the jokes.
October 6, 2026
Wedding Math Joke
Two boys were at a wedding when one of them leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered,
"Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer. “
October 5, 2026
The Baseball Player Who Holds Water
Which baseball player holds water?
The pitcher.
October 4, 2026
What to Do When You See a Spaceman
What do you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man
October 3, 2026
The Deaf Admirer's Gift
A woman has two handsome admirers. One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose. And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?"
And the deaf guy says, "WHAT?"
October 2, 2026
Student Eats Homework
Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.
October 1, 2026
The Most Awkward Talk Invitation
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't orgasm.
Please let me know if you can't come.
September 30, 2026
How Long Is the Flight to Chicago?
A blonde calls United Airlines and asks, "How long is the flight from New York to Chicago?" The operator replies, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, Thanks" and hangs up.
September 29, 2026
Why Scientists Don’t Trust Atoms
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
September 28, 2026
What’s the Best Thing to Put Into a Pie?
What’s the best thing to put into a pie? Your teeth!
September 27, 2026
10 Types of People
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
September 26, 2026
Cows with Names
There are five cows on a farm, one mama cow and four baby calves. The first three ask about their names: Rose, Lily, Daisy. The last baby says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" Mama cow: "Shut up, Cinderblock."
September 25, 2026
Why They Call You Handsome
What do you call sex with 4 people? A foursome What about 3 people? A threesome
See? I knew there was a reason they called you handsome...
September 24, 2026
The Smart Home Advantage
My wife wanted a “smart home,” so we bought one of those voice-activated assistants.
Now, every time she says “Honey, do the dishes,” it says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Honestly, I’ve never felt so understood.
September 23, 2026
Losing Their Cache
Why do PC gamers go broke?
Because they lose all their cache.
September 22, 2026
Atch Who Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you!
September 21, 2026
What Separates Man from the Animals?
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Brit are debating philosophy. The question arises: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art."
The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, rosbif? What do you think separates man from the animals?" And the Brit says, "The English Channel."
September 20, 2026
The Doctor’s Strange Diagnosis
a woman told her doctor she orgasms every time she sneezes
the doctor said: "are you taking anything for that?"
she replied: "yeah, pepper."
September 19, 2026
Why Did the Cookie Go to the Hospital?
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crumby!
September 18, 2026
Right 97% of the Time
I'm right 97% of the time. Who cares about the other 4%
September 17, 2026
Talking Tree
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. 'You can't cut me down', the tree exclaims. 'I am a talking tree!' The man responds, 'You may be a talking tree but you will dialogue.'
September 16, 2026
A Russian and an American Arrive in Hell
A Russian and an American arrive in Hell
The Devil greets them and asks, “So, which Hell do you want: the American one or the Russian one?”
“What’s the difference?” they ask.
“In American Hell, you have to eat one bucket of shit every day. In Russian Hell, it’s two buckets.”
The American says, “Well… American Hell, obviously.”
The Russian thinks for a moment and says, “Eh, I’ve spent my whole life in Russia. No point changing now.”
A month later, they run into each other again.
The Russian asks, “So, how’s it going over there?”
The American replies, “Not bad. Every morning I eat my bucket of shit, then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?”
The Russian shrugs.
“Same as always. Either the shit never got delivered, or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”
September 15, 2026
Why are we natural born Teachers?
Why are we natural born Teachers?
Because when we were born, we already had 2 pupils.
September 14, 2026
Following the GPS Together
My partner insists on following the GPS exactly. We ended up in the wrong city, but together!
September 13, 2026
The Radio Show Word Game Gone Wrong
A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up
"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"
"Goan."
"How do you spell that?"
"G - O - A - N."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Goan fuck yourself!"
The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.
They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.
"What's your word, sir?"
"Smee."
"How do you spell it?"
"S - M - E - E."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"
September 12, 2026
What’s Hannibal Lecter’s Favorite Dessert?
What’s Hannibal Lecter’s favorite dessert? A Danish.
September 11, 2026
Tampax Holiday Tinsel
Tampax has announced it is replacing the string with holiday tinsel.
But only for the holiday period.
September 10, 2026
Noisy Fans
What problem can both PC gamers and popular musicians relate to?
Their fans are super noisy!
September 9, 2026
Jumper Cables Warning
A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, 'You can stay, but don’t start anything.'
September 8, 2026
Horse and the Long Face
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, 'Why the long face?'
September 7, 2026
Why Did the Cow Go on Holiday?
Why did the cow go on holiday?
Because she had a wee calf.
September 6, 2026
The Developer Who Went Broke
Why did the developer go broke? Because he used up all his cache.
September 5, 2026
Gold-in-Eye
The Nintendo 64 gamer went to the optician, who said...
"You've got Gold-in-eye. It's very RARE."
September 4, 2026
Flamingo Impersonation
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
September 3, 2026
Count Cows
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
September 2, 2026
What School Teaches You to Make Ice Cream?
What school do you attend to learn how to make ice cream? Sunday School.
September 1, 2026
Julius Caesar Orders a Drink
Julius Caesar walks into a bar.
“I’ll have a martinus,” he says.
The bartender asks, “You mean martini?”
Caesar replies, “If I wanted a double, I’d have said so.”
August 31, 2026
Tree That Fits in Your Hand
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
August 30, 2026
Gorillas and Lightbulbs
How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one … but it takes a whole lot of lightbulbs.
August 29, 2026
Grandma's WiFi
Grandma asked me why WiFi isn’t magic. I told her it kind of is!
August 28, 2026
Out of the Orange
My colorblind diagnosis really came out of the orange.
August 27, 2026
That's Going to Leave a Mark
A man walks into a bar and says, "That’s going to leave a mark."
August 26, 2026
The Barber’s Strange Question
I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over.
As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”
I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”
Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”
Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”
A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”
I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”
He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”
August 25, 2026
Fartnite
What game do you play after eating Taco Bell?
Fartnite!
August 24, 2026
Geography.js Test
I took a geography.js test — it was a real trip.
August 23, 2026
Console Yourself
Why did the gamer play so many video games after his breakup?
He needed to console himself.
August 22, 2026
Doughnut Save Me a Bite Joke
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doughnut.
Doughnut who?
Doughnut forget to save me a bite.
August 21, 2026
The West Indies Misunderstanding
MAN 1 - My wife's gone to the West Indies.
MAN 2 - Jamaica?
MAN 1 - No, she went of her own accord!
August 20, 2026
Cow Says Moo Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cow says.
Cow says who?
No silly, cow says moooo!
August 19, 2026
A Clean Sheet
What do you call it when your wife doesn’t let you “score”?
A clean sheet.
August 18, 2026
Vasectomy Consultation Surprise Joke
At my vasectomy consultation, the doctor said, "Now THIS is a big, beautiful penis!"
Then he pulled his pants back up and told me to get undressed.
August 17, 2026
Split Personality
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
August 16, 2026
Lettuce Laugh Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock. Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce laugh together!
August 15, 2026
Confession Booth Negotiations
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”
August 14, 2026
The Cross-Eyed Judge
Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
August 13, 2026
The Five-Year Plan Answer
An interviewer asks a candidate, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" The candidate replies, "Personally, I’d love to be a millionaire."
August 12, 2026
Programmer Quit
Why did the programmer quit his job? He didn’t get arrays.
August 11, 2026
Sunflower Student
Why was the sunflower a great student? It always looked on the bright side.
August 10, 2026
Three Lives Left
Video games ruined my life...
Good thing I have 3 lives left.
August 9, 2026
Two Peanuts in an Alley
Two peanuts were walking down an alley at night. One was a salted.
August 8, 2026
Dressing for the Job You Want
They said dress for the job you want. Now I’m sitting in HR dressed as Batman.
August 7, 2026
Best Trade Ever
Yesterday I got an Xbox for my little brother...
Best trade ever!
August 6, 2026
The Dog With No Nose
My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
August 5, 2026
Johnny’s Logic in Class
Teacher: "Three ducks on a fence, shoot one, how many left?" Johnny: "None, they flew away." Teacher: "No, two, but I like your thinking." Then: "Three women with ice cream, which is married?" Johnny: "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking."
August 4, 2026
Electric Norwegians
Why do Norwegians drive electric cars? Because they like to get a-charged!
August 3, 2026
Groundbreaking Update
What did the gaming reporter say about the new Minecraft updates?
“They’re groundbreaking!”
August 2, 2026
Seafood Diet
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
August 1, 2026
Why Cinderella Was Bad at Sports
Why was Cinderella bad in sports?
Her coach was a pumpkin and she ran away from the ball.
July 31, 2026
Whose Mother?
“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?” Helen’s brow furrowed, and she replied, “I thought she was your mother.”
July 30, 2026
How to Make a Lemon Drop
How do you make a lemon drop? Just let it fall.
July 29, 2026
River Sense
Why do rivers never get lost? They always follow the current!
July 28, 2026
No Food Allowed
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don’t serve food here."
July 27, 2026
Pharaoh Alarm
Why did the pharaoh refuse to wake up early? He didn’t want to rise and shine!
July 26, 2026
Two Soldiers in a Tank
Two soldiers are in a tank, one says to the other "BLURGBLBLURG!"
July 25, 2026
Kids Try Swearing at Breakfast
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. "You know what, I think it's time we started swearing" said the 7 year old.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll swear first, then you."
"Sure." replied the 4 year old.
They make their way downstairs and their mum asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"I'll have frosties, bitch"
WHACK, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out.
Mum looks at the 4 year old and says sternly "And what do you want?"
"I don't know, but it won't be fucking frosties"
July 24, 2026
Frog and Rat Bar Trick
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “If I show you a wild trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The bartender shrugs, “Sure, why not?”
The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out… a tiny rat. Then out of the other pocket, he pulls a teeny-tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and starts playing the blues like a rodent Ray Charles.
Stunned, the bartender pours him a free drink.
After finishing it, the guy says, “Now, if I show you an even better trick, do I drink free all night?”
“Buddy, if you can top that, you’re drinking on me till closing,” the bartender replies.
The man pulls the rat and piano out again, and this time reaches into his coat and pulls out… a small bullfrog
The frog clears his throat and starts belting out soulful blues lyrics. The rat’s playing, the frog’s singing — the bar is dead silent in awe.
Suddenly, a man rushes up and says, “I’ll give you $10,000 for that frog!”
The guy says, “Nope, not for sale.”
“$25,000!”
“Nope.”
“$50,000! Cash!”
“Deal.”
The bartender’s jaw drops. “Are you CRAZY? That frog was a gold mine! Why’d you sell him?”
July 23, 2026
The Janitor’s Big Promotion
Why did the janitor get promoted? He swept the board!
July 21, 2026
Archaeologist at the Party
Why did the archaeologist get kicked out of the party?
He kept bringing up old stuff.
July 20, 2026
Orange That Sounds Like a Parrot
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
July 19, 2026
Monkey Cinema Trip
A boy walks with a monkey. Policeman: "Take that monkey to the zoo." Next day: same monkey, same policeman. Boy: "I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema."
July 18, 2026
The Spontaneous Trip Plan
I told my friends I was planning a spontaneous trip.
They asked, “Where to?”
I said, “Depends where the cheapest flight goes.”
Turns out, I’m spontaneously visiting my living room again.
July 17, 2026
Stuck in the Elevator
Two guys are stuck in an elevator. One says, "Do you think the buttons still work?" The other says, "I don’t know. Press the ‘Help’ button and see."
July 16, 2026
No Pun in Ten Did
I entered 10 puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in 10 did.
July 15, 2026
Fourth Time for Ice Cream
At a party, a woman admonished her husband, saying, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?” He shrugged and answered, “Why should it? I keep telling them it’s for you.”
July 14, 2026
Why the Suitcase Refused to Travel
Why did the suitcase refuse to travel? It was feeling a little checked out!
July 13, 2026
Vampire Happy Hour
Why don’t vampires drink at happy hour? Because the stakes are too high!
July 12, 2026
Polite Dragon
What does a polite dragon say before dinner? Fire away.
July 10, 2026
Mozart's Ghost
A week after Mozart died, his ghost was discovered trying to erase his music. When asked why, it said "I'm decomposing."
July 9, 2026
How to Make Holy Water
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
July 8, 2026
Socrates and My Roommate
Socrates once said, “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
My college roommate must have been a genius — he knew nothing about everything.
July 7, 2026
The Airplane Bathroom Buttons
A guy on a long-haul flight is desperate to use the bathroom.
The men’s room is occupied, and he’s doing the potty dance in the aisle.
A sympathetic stewardess whispers, "Look, I’ll let you use the ladies' room, but you must promise: Do not touch the buttons on the wall. They are for female hygiene only."
He promises, rushes in, and relieves himself. As he sits there, he notices four buttons: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Curiosity gets the better of him. "Who’s gonna know?" he thinks.
He presses WW. A gentle spray of Warm Water washes his backside. "Man," he thinks, "The guys just get rough toilet paper. This is class!"
He presses WA. A stream of Warm Air dries him comfortably. "Unbelievable! Why don't we have this?"
He presses PP. A Poof of Powder scents the air and leaves him feeling fresh. "This is the greatest bathroom experience of my life!"
He looks at the final button: ATR. He thinks, "If the other three were that good, this one must be the finale." He pushes it.
Everything goes black.
He wakes up in a hospital bed with tubes running out of his arm and a dull ache in his groin. He sees a nurse and croaks, "What happened? The last thing I remember was the ATR button."
The nurse grimaces. "Yes, sir. You were having a great time until then. WW is Warm Water, WA is Warm Air, and PP is Powder Puff."
"Yeah, yeah, but what is ATR?" he begs.
"Sir, ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your penis is in the jar on the nightstand."
July 6, 2026
Sad Math Books
Why are math books always unhappy? Too many problems.
July 5, 2026
Fighting Jet Lag With Coffee
I tried to fight jet lag with coffee. Now I’m awake in three different time zones!
July 4, 2026
Tank Who Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You’re welcome!
July 2, 2026
Physicist Crosses the Road
Why did the physicist cross the road? To measure the chicken’s momentum.
June 30, 2026
The Cruise Question
On my first cruise, I asked the captain if the ship ever sank.
He said, “Only once.”
Not comforting.
June 29, 2026
Why Hockey Players Make Friends Easily
Why are hockey players so good at making friends?
They’re quick to break the ice.
June 28, 2026
Elevator Music
Why did Dad hum in the elevator? He wanted to lift everyone’s spirits!
June 27, 2026
Balcony Commentary Gone Too Far
A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house. The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie ” with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities…
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“An ambulance just drove by!”
“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.
“Matt’s riding a new bike!”
“Looks like the Sanders are moving!”
“Jason is on his skate board!”
After a few moments he announced… “The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed.
Dad cautiously called out…”How do you know they’re having sex?” “Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle.”
June 26, 2026
The Silent Treatment Backfires
A husband and wife had been arguing, and they both decided to give each other the silent treatment. Two days later, the husband realized he needed his wife to wake him up at 5 a.m. for an early flight. Too proud to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper:
“Please wake me up at 5.”
The next morning, he woke up at 9 a.m. — furious.
On his nightstand was another note:
“It’s 5. Wake up.”
June 25, 2026
Fruit Flies Like a Banana
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
June 24, 2026
Grow a Pear
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…
I told him to grow a pear.
June 23, 2026
Following the Horoscope
My wife reads her horoscope every morning.
Yesterday she said, “It says today I should avoid arguments.”
I smiled and said, “Good idea.”
She glared and said, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
June 22, 2026
Humble Equal Sign
Why was the equal sign so humble? Because it knew it wasn’t less than or greater than anyone else.
June 21, 2026
Piano by Ear
I used to play piano by ear, now I use my hands.
June 20, 2026
Chuck Norris and Death
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago
it just took Death until today to build up the courage to tell him.
June 19, 2026
Programmer Meditation
Why did the programmer meditate? To find inner loops!
June 18, 2026
What Jet Lag Really Means
Jet lag is just your body’s way of saying,
“You shouldn’t have left the couch.”
June 17, 2026
The Missing Suitcase Problem
A man arrives at the airport baggage claim, but his suitcase never shows up. He goes to the counter and complains.
The clerk says, “Don’t worry, sir, we’re professionals. Your bag will be found and delivered to your home within 48 hours.”
The man says, “That’s great, but I live here.”
June 16, 2026
Why the Bicycle Fell Over
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
June 14, 2026
Olive Giggle Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive to make you giggle!
June 13, 2026
Dog Loses His Bike
My dog used to chase people on bikes a lot.
It got so bad that finally I had to take his bike away.
June 12, 2026
Pampered Cow
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
June 11, 2026
Spell Who Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
June 10, 2026
One for the Road
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
June 9, 2026
Alzheimer’s Diagnosis Twist Joke
Mr. Smith is at the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news, you have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." Mr. Smith thinks for a moment and says, "well at least I don't have cancer."
June 8, 2026
The Shared Playlist Compromise
Our shared playlist is 50 percent romance and 50 percent negotiation.
June 7, 2026
The Beach Towel Escape
Why did the beach towel run away? It didn’t want to be taken for granted!
June 6, 2026
Olive You Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you and I miss you!
June 5, 2026
Eyebrow Surprise
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
June 4, 2026
Thirsty Pony
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because it was a little horse.
June 3, 2026
Dad's Joke Inheritance
My dad has been telling the same corny jokes for 20 years.
Last week, he looked at me and said, “Son, one day, all these jokes will be yours.”
I said, “That’s the worst inheritance I could imagine.”
He said, “Pun accepted.”
June 2, 2026
Make an Egg Roll
How do you make an egg roll? You push it.
June 1, 2026
Elephant and Camel Talk
An elephant asks a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" Camel replies, "Ha! That’s a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
May 31, 2026
Little Old Lady Yodel Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Hey, I didn’t know you could yodel!
May 30, 2026
Cows at the Moo-vies
Where do cows go for fun?
To the moo-vies.
May 29, 2026
When It’s Only Wednesday
Nothing ruins a Friday more than realizing it’s only Wednesday.
May 28, 2026
Canada's Loft Apartment
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
May 27, 2026
Europe and Asia Break Up
Why did Europe break up with Asia? There were too many borders.
May 26, 2026
The First Sign of Senility
The first sign of senility is loss of memory.
I forget the other two.
May 25, 2026
Poker in the Jungle
Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
May 24, 2026
Choosing a Punishment in Hell
Once upon a time, an evil man passed away, and his soul was sent to Hell. When he stood before the Devil, Satan address him thus:
"Sinful mortal, you have arrived in my domain on a most auspicious day. Usually, I judge your sins and sentence you to an appropriate punishment. However, for this day only, I shall give you the choice of your eternal punishment. Choose wisely".
The Devil then lead him down an infinitely long hallway, lined with an equally infinite amount of doors. The Devil opened the door to the first room, which contained numerous souls slowly being flayed. The Devil asked the evil man if he wanted to choose this punishment, which the man declines.
The Devil and the Evil Man continued down the way, looking into every room with equally unimaginable torments as the first. For each one, the Devil asked the man if this would be the punishment he wanted, and in each room, the man declined.
Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, the Devil and the evil man arrived to the final room. Once inside, the evil man stared in amazement at a pile of feces, the size of a mountain. Scattered amongst the pile sat numerous dammed souls, drinking cups of coffee.
"Well mortal," asked the Devil, "this room is the last one in my domain, and the last which you can willingly accept. If you decline this room, then I shall choose your eternal fate for you". Given this ultimatum, the Evil Man agreed to accept that room as his punishment.
Once the Devil closed and locked the door behind him, the Evil Man climbed up the mountain of dung and poured himself a cup of coffee.
Just as he was putting the cup to his lips, a large and imposing demon, bearing a large, flaming whip barged into the room. With a crack of the whip the demon bellowed:
CRACK "Okay, you shit eaters, time to get back to work; coffee break is over"!
May 23, 2026
Fish Hits a Wall
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall in the river?
“Dam!”
May 22, 2026
Abyss You Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Abyss.
Abyss who?
I miss you too!
May 21, 2026
Pair-a-medics Doctor Joke
What do you call two doctors? Pair-a-medics.
May 20, 2026
The Traffic Misunderstanding
So a guy is sitting at a bar looking dejected. The bartender says, "What's wrong, buddy?"
The guy says, "My wife is divorcing me."
"Why? What happened?"
"Well," says the guy, "my wife said, 'If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.'"
"So?" says the bartender.
And the guys says, "Apparently, 'anything' doesn't include getting stuck in traffic."
May 19, 2026
Smallest Drinks
What state has the smallest drinks? Mini-soda.
May 18, 2026
Fallen Arches
“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches,” said a man to his friend. “He’s an athlete?” the friend asked. The man shook his head and replied, “An architect.”
May 17, 2026
Lettuce In Knock Knock Joke
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here!
May 16, 2026
Kleptomaniac Pun Joke
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
May 15, 2026
The Zoo Gorilla Replacement
A Famous gorilla at a zoo in Denmark died , conseqently the zoo started losing money , for He was a crowd puller.
To make matters worse , they have no natural population of Gorillas in Europe ,so they hired a man to act as a gorilla with a well crafted suit.
He entertained many and the profits were rolling in , one day though as he was performing his antics , He fell into the lion`s enclosure and started screaming for His life ... save me! ... save me! , then the lion slapped him and whispered in His ear stop or we'll both get fired.
May 14, 2026
Lobster Tale
A man dining at a seafood restaurant asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time, there was this lobster …”
May 13, 2026
Family Game Night
We tried to have family game night, but it turned into family argument night.
The rules were simple: no cheating, no yelling, no phones.
By the end, we’d broken all three — and possibly the board.
May 12, 2026
The “Sex Machine” Compliment
My wife thinks I’m a sex machine.
She refers to me as a “fucking tool”!
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