What She Really Says
My wife loves having sex with me!
Everytime I walk by or hear her talking about me to her friends, I always hear her say, "What a dick!"
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💞 Relationship Jokes
Relationship jokes stick around because everyone recognizes at least a little bit of themselves in them. Dating, marriage, misunderstandings, and daily couple habits all become funnier when they are exaggerated just enough.
This page leans into the small, familiar moments people laugh at because they feel a little too real.
The “Sex Machine” Compliment
My wife thinks I’m a sex machine.
She refers to me as a “fucking tool”!
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A Different Kind of “Sex Object”
My wife is a sex object.
I suggest sex and she objects.
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Grammar Corrections Gone Wrong
My wife gets really turned on when I correct her grammar. Whenever I do, she says, "I want to fuck you!"
Well, to save time she omits the first three words, but I know what she means.
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Still “Sexy” After All
My wife thinks I’m still sexy.
When I walk by she says “What an ass!”
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Doggy-Style Misunderstanding
Me and my wife only have sex doggy-style.
I sit and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
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Walking Backwards at the Cemetery
Sue went to the cemetery every day to water the flowers on the grave of her late husband, Bob.
When she was finished, she always walked backwards as she left the grave.
One day, her friend Tammy asked, “Sue, why on earth do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?”
Sue smiled and said, “When Bob was alive, he used to tell me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life!’… Well, I’m not taking any chances!”
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Caught in Bed with an Explanation
My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman!
She screamed:
“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”
I said:
“Honey, please… just let me explain!”
She crossed her arms:
“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”
So I told her:
“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?
I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.
She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.
While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.
Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”
"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"
“And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”
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The “Roses” Confusion
Bob tells his buddy, "My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses!"
His buddy says, "That's incredible! You're really lucky."
And Bob says, "Yeah, but Rose has bigger tits."
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The Worst Timing Possible
A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary
The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!"
The husband replies, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"
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The Booby Trap
My Wife came in to show me her new Bra from Victoria Secret.
I asked her "how much was it?" and she replied "Only $100".
I yelled "you spent $100 on underwear?"
Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...
I had fallen right into her Booby Trap
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The Million-Dollar Question
A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”
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The Golf Course Mistake
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
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The Shared Playlist Compromise
Our shared playlist is 50 percent romance and 50 percent negotiation.
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Grocery Store Teamwork
We split grocery roles: I push the cart, they veto my snack dreams.
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