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General jokes are where you end up when you are not looking for one exact style, just something funny. This page mixes different tones and formats, so it is a good place to browse when you want variety more than a theme.
If you are new to the site or just want to jump around, this is one of the easiest places to start.
Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
The Judge says to the defendant, "before I pass sentence, does the accused have anything he would like to say??
The defendant mumbles "F--k all",
The judge doesn't hear him and turns to the clerk of the court and says "what did he say?"
The clerk of the court whispers in the judge's ear "He said f--k all M'lord"
.. the judge hisses back "don't give me that you c--t, I saw his lips move".
The judge asks a woman who was charged with assaulting her husband and destroying his guitars
“First time offender?”
She says ‘No First was a Gibson, Then a Fender’
The Gentleman Who Came Back for Dinner
One evening, an impeccably dressed older gentleman walked into a very expensive restaurant in Paris's 6th arrondissement. He wore a tailored suit, a silk tie and highly polished black Gucci shoes.
The gentleman ordered champagne, foie gras, lobster and a vintage bottle of Bordeaux. For dessert, he selected the most expensive item on the menu and ordered a brandy.
When he had finished his meal, the waiter presented him with the bill.
The gentleman looked at the waiter and said, “I don't know if you remember me, but many, many years ago, I was quite down on my luck. I came here for a meal and, when it came time to pay, I couldn't.”
The waiter looked at him more closely.
“You publicly humiliated me,” the gentleman continued. “You had security march me through the restaurant and throw me out into the street.”
The waiter suddenly remembered the incident. His face turned bright red and he began apologizing profusely.
The gentleman held up his hand.
“Don't worry, old chap,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to do it again.”
What did the lamp say to the lightbulb? You need to stop burning out.
Why did the moon get fired from its job? It was always phasing out.
My thermostat keeps going crazy. It finally asked me, "Can we just agree that 75°F is a compromise?" I replied, "You’re the one who’s been turning up the heat on my patience."
A frustrated young Shaolin monk approaches his master.
"Master, I've been training for years, but my skills aren't improving. How can I become as good as you?"
The master looks at him thoughtfully.
"Have you ever watched ants working tirelessly to build something that can be destroyed in an instant?"
"Yes, Master. Many times."
"Have you observed how bamboo bends in the strongest winds without breaking?"
"Of course, Master."
"And have you contemplated the reflection of the full moon in perfectly still water?"
"Yes, Master! Many times!"
The master nods.
"Well, there's your problem. You keep looking at stupid shit instead of practicing."
A hunter and a priest go hunting together.
The hunter spots a rabbit, takes aim, and fires.
He misses.
"Goddammit, I missed!" he shouts.
A few minutes later, he sees another rabbit. He shoots and misses again.
"Goddammit, I missed!"
The priest looks annoyed.
"My son, if you keep taking the Lord's name in vain, God will punish you."
The hunter apologizes.
Soon, another rabbit appears. The hunter aims carefully, pulls the trigger, and misses for the third time.
"GODDAMMIT, I MISSED!"
Suddenly, a massive bolt of lightning shoots down from the sky and strikes the priest dead.
A deep voice echoes from the heavens:
"Goddammit, I missed!"
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