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🎉 Holiday Jokes

Holiday jokes have a nice built-in charm because they come with decorations, traditions, food, and expectations people already recognize. Christmas, Halloween, birthdays, and other celebrations all give jokes a little extra personality.

If you want humor that feels timely, cheerful, and easy to share with family or friends, this page is worth exploring.

Throw a Dart and Pick a Holiday

Yesterday, a husband purchased a world map…gave his wife a dart and said to her, “Throw this, and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out they’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

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A Scotsman on Holiday in Canada

A Scotsman walks into a bar while on holiday in Canada.
And he says to the barman, “What is that thing there that you’ve got hanging from the wall?”
And the Canadian behind the bar says, “That right there, sir, is our prized possession; it’s a moose that was killed just over there in my very own back yard.”
The Scotsman slams his beer down on the table in shock and says, “My God! If that’s a moose, then I would love to see the size of your cats.”

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Why Are There No Scientific Holidays?

Do you know why there are religious holidays but no scientific holidays?
Because science always works.

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Ironman’s Favorite Christmas Present

Ironman’s favorite Christmas present this year were rockets he can fire from his feet.
He calls them missile toes.

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Free Batteries for the Holidays

Walmart is giving away dead batteries for the holidays…
Free of charge.

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Stranded on an Island With Unpaid Bills

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”

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Aisle B Home for Christmas

The Home Depot has all their Christmas decorations in the second row of housewares. In other words…
Aisle B home for Christmas.

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What’s Christmas?

What’s Christmas?
It is the present holiday.

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Don’t Drink and Drive This Holiday Season

To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because, along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through, and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job.

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