Unexpected Breakfast in Bed
When I bring you breakfast in bed, it's polite to say "Thank You", not "Who are you, and how the fuck did you get into my house!?"
- Daily Joke
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Talking Dog, Horse, and Sheep
Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: “Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: “Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: “How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a fucking liar!!”
- Daily Joke
Fish and Elephant Crossover
What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant?
Swimming trunks
- Daily Joke
Waking Up Already at Work
I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work.
Thankfully I was at work.
- John
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The West Indies Misunderstanding
MAN 1 - My wife's gone to the West Indies.
MAN 2 - Jamaica?
MAN 1 - No, she went of her own accord!
- MR ANONYMOUS
The Dog With No Nose
My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
- MR ANONYMOUS
Blonde Telegraph
A blonde and a redhead need a bull for $500. Redhead sends telegram "comfortable" → Blonde reads: "Come for ta bull."
- Daily Joke
Thanksgiving Misunderstanding
On Thanksgiving, a boy hears parents curse. He asks what words mean, then welcomes guests: "Welcome bitches and bastards! Dad is rubbing sh*t on his face and mom is f*cking the turkey."
- Daily Joke
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Christmas Tattoo Surprise
On Christmas Eve, a woman got tattoos: "Merry Christmas" on one leg, "Happy New Year" on the other. She says: "Now you can’t complain there’s nothing to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
- Daily Joke
Johnny’s Logic in Class
Teacher: "Three ducks on a fence, shoot one, how many left?" Johnny: "None, they flew away." Teacher: "No, two, but I like your thinking." Then: "Three women with ice cream, which is married?" Johnny: "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking."
- Daily Joke
Can February March?
Can February march? No, but April may.
- Daily Joke
Monkey Cinema Trip
A boy walks with a monkey. Policeman: "Take that monkey to the zoo." Next day: same monkey, same policeman. Boy: "I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema."
- Daily Joke
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Bird That Can’t Fly
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can’t fly." Student: "A dead bird, sir."
- Daily Joke
Horse Merry-Go-Round
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop, left is an elephant. In front is another horse, behind is a lion. What must you do? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
- Daily Joke
Elephant and Camel Talk
An elephant asks a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" Camel replies, "Ha! That’s a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
- Daily Joke
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