The CEO's Joke
At a corporate board meeting the CEO tells a joke. Everyone laughs except for one guy.
"Didn't you get it?" the CEO asks the guy.
And the guy says, "Oh, I got it. But today's my last day."
- Daily Joke
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Grow a Pear
My neighbour told me he was scared to plant an apple tree…
I told him to grow a pear.
- Daily Joke
The Guinness CEO Orders a Coke
4 beer company CEOs walked into a bar…
The CEO of Budweiser ordered a Bud Light.
The CEO of Miller ordered a Miller Light.
The CEO of Coors ordered a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness ordered a Coke.
The first three asked the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:
"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
- Daily Joke
The Penguins Go to the Zoo
Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat
Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."
"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."
Attendant thinks for a second and says, "I'll tell you what I'd do - I'd take them to the zoo."
"That's a great idea!" says the driver.
A week later, same driver pulls in with the same 5 penguins, only now they're wearing sunglasses.
"What are you doing - I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" exclaims the attendant.
"We did go! We had a great time! Today we're going to the beach!"
- Daily Joke
What Separates Man from the Animals?
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Brit are debating philosophy. The question arises: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience."
"I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art."
The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, rosbif? What do you think separates man from the animals?" And the Brit says, "The English Channel."
- Daily Joke
This Isn't Working Out
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer
Me : Well, this isn't working out
- Daily Joke
Let Him RIP
A man died yesterday of severe flatulence
Let him RIP
- Daily Joke
The Jewelry Store Explosion
I went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry
As I entered there was a loud "bang". It made my earring.
- Daily Joke
18+ content
The Farm Woman and the Pig
A city man was traveling down a rural country road, struggling to carry a pig, a chicken, a large bucket, and a cane. He was exhausted and making very slow progress.
A local farm woman caught up with him and noticed his struggle. She said, "Let me help you out with a bit of country logic. Put the chicken under your left arm, hold the cane in your right hand, put the pig inside the bucket, and carry the bucket with your right hand."
The man tried it, and to his surprise, it worked beautifully. It made the load much easier to manage, and the two continued walking down the road together, chatting happily.
Eventually, they reached a stretch of road that passed through a thick, dark woods. The woman stopped, looked around nervously, and said, "Oh dear, I'm getting frightened. We're all alone out here in the woods. You could easily push me against a tree and take advantage of me."
The man laughed and said, "Look at me! How could I possibly do that? My hands are completely full. If I let go of the pig, it will run away. If I let go of the chicken, it will fly off. I couldn't possibly try anything."
The woman smiled and said, "Well, that's simple. You just stick your cane in the ground, turn the bucket upside down over the chicken, and I'll hold the pig."
The man replied, "Yeah, not falling for that. Last farm woman ran off with my pig!"
Click to confirm your age and view this joke.
- Daily Joke
18+ content
What Car Does a Non-Binary Person Drive?
If lesbians drive Subarus, what kind of car does a non-binary person drive?
They don't care as long as it gets them/their.
Click to confirm your age and view this joke.
- Daily Joke
The Unexpected Reaction to His Wife's Affair
A man finds his wife in bed with another dude.
Furious, he asks his wife, "WHO IS THIS?!"
The woman, completely unfazed, replies:
"This is the man who paid for your children's school, the renovations on the house, the nice car I bought that you use to go fishing with your mates, and the one who helped you land that well-paying job last year. What do you have to say about that?"
The husband looks at the man for a moment, then shouts:
"COVER HIM! DON'T YOU SEE HE'S GETTING COLD?!"
- Daily Joke
18+ content
The Anniversary Dinner and the Mistress
A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, "See you tomorrow, babe," before strolling out.
The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, "Who the fuck was that?!"
The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, "Relax, honey. That’s my mistress."
"Mistress?!" the wife shreks. "That is it! I want a divorce, I'm taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!"
The husband shrugs. "Fine, if that's what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours."
Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.
The wife narrows her eyes and asks, "Isn't that Richard over there? Who is he with?"
The husband nods. "Oh, that's his mistress."
The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, "Well... I must say, ours is much prettier."
Click to confirm your age and view this joke.
- Daily Joke
What is british secret service's favourite
What is british secret service's favourite drink? Securi-tea!
- Pharrel
When Even Your Calendar Says No
I asked my calendar for a date and it sayd “I don’t think you’re ready for that kind of commitment.”
- Kaiser
The Bragging Contest With No Winner
Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”
Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
Last guy chuckles, “I have you all beat. I fucked over all the website visitors who were expecting a punchline to this joke.”
- Daily Joke
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