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Visiting His Mother-in-Law at the Hospital

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. When he gets home his wife asks, "Well? How is she doing?"

He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades."

"Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!"

And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

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18+ content

The Day God Created Dolly Parton

So on the day God created Dolly Parton he summoned the archangel Michael to witness.

God said "Michael, I am going to create the most incredible woman. She will have the voice and heart of an angel. She will use her wealth, fame, and talent, as a tireless advocate for the less fortunate, doing all she can to best love her fellow human beings, all while composing herself with great humility and humor."

"She sounds like a remarkable person," Michael observed, before asking "Will she be special in other ways?"

To which God replied, "Now that you mention it..."

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How Long Is the Flight to Chicago?

A blonde calls United Airlines and asks, "How long is the flight from New York to Chicago?" The operator replies, "Just a minute..." The blonde says, Thanks" and hangs up.

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✈️ Travel Jokes

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A Russian and an American Arrive in Hell

A Russian and an American arrive in Hell

The Devil greets them and asks, “So, which Hell do you want: the American one or the Russian one?”

“What’s the difference?” they ask.

“In American Hell, you have to eat one bucket of shit every day. In Russian Hell, it’s two buckets.”

The American says, “Well… American Hell, obviously.”

The Russian thinks for a moment and says, “Eh, I’ve spent my whole life in Russia. No point changing now.”

A month later, they run into each other again.

The Russian asks, “So, how’s it going over there?”

The American replies, “Not bad. Every morning I eat my bucket of shit, then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?”

The Russian shrugs.

“Same as always. Either the shit never got delivered, or there aren’t enough buckets for everyone.”

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The Final Argument

A man and a woman are having their FINAL argument...

Man: Fuck it. Ima go find me some new pussy.

Woman: If you had 2 more inches of dick, you'd find some new pussy here.

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The New Year's Eve Replacement Band

A New Years Eve party planner has to get a last minute replacement for the band that cancelled. The only band available was a trio; a tuba, an accordion, and bagpipes

Because she sold tickets advertising live music, she had no choice but to hire them.

Expecting the worst, the promoter was stunned to see that these three musicians were incredible entertainers. Everyone was dancing till the party closed down at 3:00 AM.

After the party the promoter approached the band,

"I never in a million years thought I'd be saying this, but I would like to book you now for next New Years Eve."

The band members looked over at the promoter and said,

"Sure, can we leave our stuff?"

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Oedipus Meets Sisyphus

Oedipus is walking down a country lane when he sees Sisyphus pushing an enormous boulder up a hill. Oedipus says, "That looks heavy. And pointless."

And Sisyphus says, "Shut up, motherfucker."

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Jimmy Finds Out He Was Adopted

Mom calls 10 year old Jimmy into the family room after dinner and there he is met by both his mother and father.

Mom says, "Son, you were adopted."

Jimmy tears up a bit then cries hard and bursts out, " I want to meet my real parents."

To which his mother replies, "we are your real parents. Now go pack. You were adopted and they'll be here soon."

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The Man Who Wasn't That Into Her

# Did you hear about the woman who broke up with the man who had a small penis?

When his friends asked if he was ok he said,"Yeah, I wasn't that into her."

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