Kleptomaniac Pun Joke
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
- Daily Joke
Joke library
All Jokes
Browse every joke on Daily Joke in one place, with clean jokes, dad jokes, one-liners, animal jokes, work jokes, and more.
Alzheimer’s Diagnosis Twist Joke
Mr. Smith is at the doctor. The doctor says, "I have bad news, you have cancer and you have Alzheimer's." Mr. Smith thinks for a moment and says, "well at least I don't have cancer."
- Daily Joke
Doctor Exam Awkward Moment Joke
Mr smith is going to an urologist. The Dr. says: Well Mr. Smith, you really have to stop masturbating. Mr. Smith asks: Why? The doctor: Because I can't do my exam like this.
- Daily Joke
The Egg in Boiling Water
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
- Greg
Ad
The Circus Job Interview
A man goes to the circus. After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job.
"Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks.
-"I can do great bird impressions", the man replies.
-"Pssh, a lot of people can do that".
-"Oh well", the man says and flies away.
- Greg
Orange That Sounds Like a Parrot
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
- Daily Joke
Premature Ejaculation Problem
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere...
- Daily Joke
Bumped Into Everyone at the Opticians
You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to the opticians! Everyone.
- Daily Joke
Ad
Ad
What Women Really Want
The one thing women want more than anything else in their relationship is security.
I know this because whenever I flirt with them, it's the one word they always shout.
- anonymous
The Audi Quattro Argument
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border
The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
"Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea . He's a buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."
- Paul F
The Doctor’s Strange Diagnosis
a woman told her doctor she orgasms every time she sneezes
the doctor said: "are you taking anything for that?"
she replied: "yeah, pepper."
- Paul F
The Diner Order Regret
A traveling salesman goes into a fairly grungy diner. The waitress comes over, and she doesn't look too great herself.
Deciding not to take any chances, the salesman orders two hamburgers and a hot dog.
The waitress comes over a few minutes later with the hamburgers under her arms.
The salesman says, "Why are the hamburgers under your arms?"
The waitress says, "I'm keeping them warm."
And the salesman says, "Cancel the hot dog."
- Paul F
Ad
Wedding Math Joke
Two boys were at a wedding when one of them leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered,
"Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer. “
- Daily Joke
The Exit That Wasn’t
My wife completely fed up and disgusted with me packed my bags and told me to get out. As I was walking out she said, "I hope you die a slow and painful death."
I put my bags down, and asked, "So, you want me to stay?"
- Daily Joke
Headache Cure Underwear Twist Joke
A man suffered from headaches and didn’t realize it was due to a rare condition
He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn't give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who can fix the situation.
The doctor told him, "The good news is I can fix your headaches so you'll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He saw a tailor shop and thought, "A new suit is fit for a new man, and for my new beginning".
After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, "Hmm... Looking at you, you are size 44 long." The man surprised asked, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.
The man realizing he needed a shirt for the suit and asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" The tailor responded again, "Been in the business for over 50 years!" The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
The tailor said "How about some underwear?" The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, "Hmm... you are a size 36."
The man laughed catching the tailor. "Ah ha! You're wrong! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The tailor shook his head, "No, buddy, you can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
- Daily Joke
Get one good joke in your inbox
If this page made you smile, let us send you the next one.
Join the Daily Joke newsletter and get a clean, quick joke of the day by email.
Ad