Monkey Cinema Trip
A boy walks with a monkey. Policeman: "Take that monkey to the zoo." Next day: same monkey, same policeman. Boy: "I did! Today I’m taking him to the cinema."
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Bird That Can’t Fly
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can’t fly." Student: "A dead bird, sir."
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Horse Merry-Go-Round
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop, left is an elephant. In front is another horse, behind is a lion. What must you do? Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!
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Elephant and Camel Talk
An elephant asks a camel, "Why do you have boobs on your back?" Camel replies, "Ha! That’s a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."
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Gorilla Rescue
A man sees a gorilla in his tree. Animal control comes with ladder, pit bull, and shotgun. The shotgun is explained: "Oh, that’s for you in case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla."
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Penguins Movie Trip
A man takes 10 penguins from a broken truck to the zoo. Later, he takes them to a movie instead. Truck driver asks: "Weren’t you supposed to take them to the zoo?" Man: "I did, and then had extra money so I took them to see a movie."
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Clarence the Parrot
A burglar hears "Jesus is watching you" in a house. He finds a parrot: "Was it you?" Parrot: "Yes." Burglar: "What’s your name?" Parrot: "Clarence." Burglar: "Who named you that?" Parrot: "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."
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Lion Turns Christian
Two guys are chased by a starving lion. One prays: "Turn this lion into a Christian." They look back and see the lion kneeling, praying: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
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Cows with Names
There are five cows on a farm, one mama cow and four baby calves. The first three ask about their names: Rose, Lily, Daisy. The last baby says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" Mama cow: "Shut up, Cinderblock."
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Frog Car Trouble
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
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Parents Disagree on Origins
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" Father: "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies." Child asked mother: "How were people born?" Mother: "We were monkeys then evolved." Child: "You lied to me!" Father: "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
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Medieval WiFi
Why didn’t knights use WiFi? They preferred swords over signals!
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Pharaoh Alarm
Why did the pharaoh refuse to wake up early? He didn’t want to rise and shine!
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Dinosaur Homework
Why didn’t the dinosaur finish history homework? Because it was extinct!
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The Beach Towel Escape
Why did the beach towel run away? It didn’t want to be taken for granted!
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