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The Thanksgiving Clock Was Always Late

A couple invited their family over for Thanksgiving night to spend the holiday and meal together.
The family gathered, but the couple’s children were late, and the mother-in-law complained aloud, “Ugh, your children, always late.”
Eventually, everyone sat down to eat, and the mother-in-law insisted on sitting at the head of the table – no one had the strength to argue with her. After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law began to complain: “What’s with the food here? Why is it always late?”
A short time later, the couple brought out the meal they had prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone loaded their plates with food, and the evening continued. While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law said, “I’d better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”
A mere second after she got up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table fell down, reducing her chair to pieces and almost hitting her. Everyone was in shock until the bride mumbled to herself: “This clock… always late.”

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Chet the Christmas Carol Parrot

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, “Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?”
“Well, there is Chet, the parrot,” the assistant replies.
Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, “What’s so Christmassy about him?”
“Well, he can sing Christmas carols,” says the assistant.
“Really?”
“Yup,” says the assistant. “Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet’ll go…”
“Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul…” Chet sings.
“Wow, that’s amazing! Does he do any more?”
“Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he’ll go…”
“Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose…” Chet sings.
Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, “Does Chet know any more carols?”
“Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes…”
“Awrrk! Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire…”

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The Ghost of Christmas Past

Last December, a woman caught her husband in bed with the Ghost of Christmas Past. She screamed, “What the hell is going on?!”
He said, “Babe, relax…I’m just trying to get into the holiday spirit.”

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Two Saxophones After a Holiday

A man is returning from a holiday.
As he goes through customs, the officer asks him what’s in his two big bags.
“Mobile phones,” the man replies.
The officer opens the bags, and sure enough, both are packed with phones.
“What are you doing with all these?” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’re not for me. I’m helping out a friend. He’s starting a band.”
“But phones? Who needs phones when starting a band?”
The man pulls a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket to double-check. “Yeah, this is exactly what he asked for — two saxophones.”

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Tommy’s Holiday With His Stepdad

Tommy comes back from his holiday with his mum, and his stepdad and the teacher ask him, “Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?”
“I did, Teacher.”
“And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?”
“Yes, he did, teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I’d swim back.”
“Oh, well, um, it’s an awful long way to swim, isn’t it, 1/2 a mile?”
“Oh no, teacher, no, it was easy once I’d got out of the bag!”

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