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Confession Booth Negotiations

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”

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The Scam Call That Took a Strange Turn

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>;
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

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A Guard in a Russian Jail

A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.

"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.

"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.

"Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."

"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.

"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.

And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."

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The Airplane Bathroom Buttons

A guy on a long-haul flight is desperate to use the bathroom.

The men’s room is occupied, and he’s doing the potty dance in the aisle.

A sympathetic stewardess whispers, "Look, I’ll let you use the ladies' room, but you must promise: Do not touch the buttons on the wall. They are for female hygiene only."

He promises, rushes in, and relieves himself. As he sits there, he notices four buttons: WW, WA, PP, and ATR.

Curiosity gets the better of him. "Who’s gonna know?" he thinks.

He presses WW. A gentle spray of Warm Water washes his backside. "Man," he thinks, "The guys just get rough toilet paper. This is class!"

He presses WA. A stream of Warm Air dries him comfortably. "Unbelievable! Why don't we have this?"

He presses PP. A Poof of Powder scents the air and leaves him feeling fresh. "This is the greatest bathroom experience of my life!"

He looks at the final button: ATR. He thinks, "If the other three were that good, this one must be the finale." He pushes it.

Everything goes black.

He wakes up in a hospital bed with tubes running out of his arm and a dull ache in his groin. He sees a nurse and croaks, "What happened? The last thing I remember was the ATR button."

The nurse grimaces. "Yes, sir. You were having a great time until then. WW is Warm Water, WA is Warm Air, and PP is Powder Puff."

"Yeah, yeah, but what is ATR?" he begs.

"Sir, ATR stands for Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your penis is in the jar on the nightstand."

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The Zoo Gorilla Replacement

A Famous gorilla at a zoo in Denmark died , conseqently the zoo started losing money , for He was a crowd puller.

To make matters worse , they have no natural population of Gorillas in Europe ,so they hired a man to act as a gorilla with a well crafted suit.

He entertained many and the profits were rolling in , one day though as he was performing his antics , He fell into the lion`s enclosure and started screaming for His life ... save me! ... save me! , then the lion slapped him and whispered in His ear stop or we'll both get fired.

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Caught in Bed with an Explanation

My wife came home early and caught me in bed with a beautiful woman!

She screamed:

“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”

I said:

“Honey, please… just let me explain!”

She crossed her arms:

“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”

So I told her:

“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?

I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.

She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.

While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.

Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”

"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"

“And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”

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Dog and Cat Argument

A dog and a cat are having an argument about which is the favorite with humans.

The dog says:

- Humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us, the canine. Naming and important body parts proves they like dogs more.

The cat smiled and says:

- You know, you are not going to win this one

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Using the Word Harassment

A teacher asks her students to use the word HARASSMENT in a sentence.

Bob stood up and said, "I met a beautiful girl one day and harassment a lot to me."

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Walking Backwards at the Cemetery

Sue went to the cemetery every day to water the flowers on the grave of her late husband, Bob.

When she was finished, she always walked backwards as she left the grave.

One day, her friend Tammy asked, “Sue, why on earth do you always leave the cemetery walking backwards?”

Sue smiled and said, “When Bob was alive, he used to tell me, ‘You’ve got such a great ass, it could bring a dead man back to life!’… Well, I’m not taking any chances!”

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Grammar Corrections Gone Wrong

My wife gets really turned on when I correct her grammar. Whenever I do, she says, "I want to fuck you!"

Well, to save time she omits the first three words, but I know what she means.

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