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The Radio Show Word Game Gone Wrong

A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up

"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"

"Goan."

"How do you spell that?"

"G - O - A - N."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Goan fuck yourself!"

The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.

They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.

"What's your word, sir?"

"Smee."

"How do you spell it?"

"S - M - E - E."

"Can you use that in a sentence?"

"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"

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Dracula’s Date Night Confusion

Dracula was on a date with a beautiful young woman. After a few glasses of wine she leaned in and said, “I know this is a bit forward, but… what’s your body count?”

Confused, he looked down at himself and said, “Well… it’s this thing under my head. Mostly bones and organs.”

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The Million-Dollar Question

A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”

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Rhinoceros and the Fourth Wall

A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.

All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.

Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.

The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.

In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.

After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.

...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,

"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"

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Two C Batteries

When I went to the battery store

I said "I need two C Batteries".

The person just gestured to a shelf and said "Here just look at them".

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Why They Call You Handsome

What do you call sex with 4 people? A foursome What about 3 people? A threesome

See? I knew there was a reason they called you handsome...

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Counting to Ten Without a Brain

Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."

Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10

He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."

Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:

'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."

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The Booby Trap

My Wife came in to show me her new Bra from Victoria Secret.

I asked her "how much was it?" and she replied "Only $100".

I yelled "you spent $100 on underwear?"

Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...

I had fallen right into her Booby Trap

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The First Anatomy Lesson

Some first-year medical students were attending their first Anatomy class.

They gathered around a table where a real dead body had been placed for study.

The professor began the class by telling them that every good doctor must have two important qualities.

“The first,” he said, “is that a doctor must never be disgusted by anything in the human body.”

To demonstrate, he inserted his finger into the dead body’s anus, then put the finger in his mouth and tasted it.

He then asked the students to repeat what he had done.

The students were shocked and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually, one by one, they did the same thing. Each of them inserted their fingers into the body’s anus and then tasted their fingers.

When everyone had finished, they all stood there frowning and feeling uncomfortable.

The professor then looked at them and smiled.

“The second most important quality of a doctor,” he said, “is observation.”

He continued,

“I inserted my middle finger, but I tasted my index finger.”

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The Worst Timing Possible

A woman walks in on her husband performing anal sex on his secretary

The wife screams, "You can't do this to me!"

The husband replies, "I know, that's why i'm doing it to her"

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The “Roses” Confusion

Bob tells his buddy, "My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses!"

His buddy says, "That's incredible! You're really lucky."

And Bob says, "Yeah, but Rose has bigger tits."

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Confession Booth Negotiations

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months’ vacation and five good leads.”

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The Scam Call That Took a Strange Turn

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>;
NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

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