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A woman calls her husband at work and asks, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your back, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
He says, "God, no."
And she says, "Um... how about now?"
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting while Newton and Pascal run and hide. Pascal hides behind a curtain.
Newton stops and draws a 1-metre by 1-metre square on the ground and stands in the middle. Einstein finishes counting, uncovers his eyes and turns around, "Ha! Found you, Newton!"
Newton calmly replies, "Nope, you found Pascal!"
Papa mole, mamma mole and their two baby moles were in their tunnel beneath the grocery store.
Papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the sugar now.” A little later he stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the honey now.” A little more time passed and papa mole stopped, sniffed, and said, “Oooh, we’re underneath the maple syrup now.”
After the moles got home, the two baby moles asked mamma mole whether she was able to smell the sugar, honey, and maple syrup. She said, “Not as well as your papa, but yes. Couldn’t you two smell them?”
The baby moles looked at each other and one spoke up, “To be honest, all we could smell was molasses.”
People with poor boundaries
are more likely to take a fence
An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad:
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.
Your son, Nasser
The next day, his dad replied:
Dear Son,
Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.
Dad
A husband and wife are at the breakfast table. The woman says, "I had a dream last night. I was at an auction, and they were auctioning penises. Nice-sized ones were going for $25, big ones were going for $50, and spectacular ones were going for $100."
The guy says, "Is that right? How much did one like mine go for?"
And the woman says, "50 cents!"
So the guy says, "You know, I also had a dream about an auction. In my dream they were auctioning vaginas. Okay ones were going for $25, pretty tight ones were going for $50, and really tight ones were going for $100."
The woman says, "Oh yeah? How much was one like mine?"
And the guy says, "That's where they held the auction."
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The tale of Avram the onion farmer
Avram is a poor humble onion farmer, barely scraping by on his small plot of land. One day, he learns about an exotic country far away, where no one has ever seen an onion. Avram decides to go for broke. He loads his entire onion crop into a wagon and sets off on a journey. He travels for three weeks, across mountains and deserts and forests.
Finally, Avram comes to the country where no one has ever seen an onion, and he asks to meet the king. He shows the king his onions, and fries up a sliced onion for him. The king absolutely loves it, and he orders that a feast be held, with a wide variety of onion dishes. The people of the country go crazy over the onions, and they declare the onion their national food and start planting onion fields. To show their gratitude, the king gives Avram a wagonful of gold and sends him back home.
Avram comes back to his village with his newfound wealth, and tells everybody about this wonderful faraway land, where onions are worth more than gold.
Avram's neighbor, Itzhak, is a poor humble garlic farmer. He thinks, "If these people like onions so much, then they'll really love my garlic!" So Itzhak loads his entire garlic crop onto a wagon and travels for three weeks, across mountains and deserts and forests. He comes to the onion country and asks to meet with the king. Itzhak shows the king his garlic and fries some garlic in a pan for him. The king goes nuts, and orders a garlic feast, and the people are ecstatic, raving over the delicious garlic. They love the garlic so much, they give Itzhak something worth more than a wagonful of gold: a wagonful of onions.
The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. He had been laid off, and was ranting and raving about corporate down-sizing, and outsourcing, and what it was doing to hard-working Americans.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly one million dollars.
Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly two million dollars and informing him that they were the largest stockholders in the bank.
She told him that each time she had charged him for sex she had invested the money, and this was the result.
By now the guy seemed even more distraught, and was beating his head against the kitchen table.
"Why are you so upset?" the wife asked. "Isn't this good news?"
And he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"
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Do you think it’s a big deal, if after years of marriage you find out your partner literally sucked hundreds of dicks before you met
Or is my wife making a big deal out of nothing?
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A Frenchman, Brit and Russian go to the Louvre, and are admiring Michelangelo’s painting of Adam and Eve.
Looking at the painting, the Brit says, “look how reserved and calm they look. They are obviously British.”
The Frenchman says, “no no non, they are beautiful, naked and free. They are obviously French.”
The Russian says, “nah, they are Russian; they are naked, cold, have one apple to eat between them, and have been told they are in Paradise.”
What do you call a furry that likes to be dominated?
A sub woofer.
A young woman visits a florist to buy her mother a bouquet.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks its price.
"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. It's a gift from a fellow florist. I hooked him up with a woman who came in here yesterday, and he sent it as a thank you."
"Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?"
"Well, he's quite handsome and very respectful. And, rumor has it," he says, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a *10-inch cock!*"
She blushes. "Sounds like a catch! Where can I find him?"
"He's just a block over. But be warned...he's also a little...strange. He's only interested in women named after flowers. So if I ever meet a woman with a flowery name, I send her his way.
"Then he sends me the most perfect matching flower in his collection. Yesterday was Rose. A week ago, it was Violet," he says, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him.
The woman thanks him and leaves, heading straight for the other florist's shop. "I heard that you are particularly...*skilled*... in certain areas?"
He smirks. "So I've been told. And who might you be?"
She grins. "I was referred by your friend down the street. Maybe you can...assist me?"
"Perhaps...if you could you tell me your name?"
She considers fabricating an alias, but quickly decides she's attractive enough that he'll make an exception.
"Kristen. But everyone calls me Kris."
His smile falters.
Her heart drops, knowing she's blown her chance. "Well then...if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother."
"Of course, what kind--" Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he locks the shop door, swoops upon her, and takes her into his arms.
Three hours of mind-blowing sex later, he bids her goodbye with a kiss.
"Tell your mother to visit my shop later today," he whispers in her ear, "and I'll prepare the most beautiful arrangement for her, free of charge." Flushed with ecstasy, she promises to convey the message.
The next day, Kris stops by the original florist's shop.
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about your friend! He was absolutely incredible!"
He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. He just dropped off the most stunning flower I've ever received."
"Really? What flower could he have possibly....?"
The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum."
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So a guy tells his buddy, "I'm dating this unusual Turkish woman. Her mother was Tunisian and her father was Canadian. One of her grandparents was Albanian and her half-brother is Danish."
"Dude, you need to break up with her," says his buddy.
"Why?"
"Too many red flags."
Why does the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick.
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A blond goes to the emergency room and shows the doctor her mangled hand where her index finger is dangling by a thread.
The doctor takes a look, and asks “So, what happened here?”
The blond replies “well, I tried to kill myself.”
The doctor is a bit shocked, and asks “so…so you shot your finger off?”
“Oh, no no no,” the blond replies, “So, I decided this morning that I can no longer live laugh love, so I took my gun and put it in my mouth. Before I took the self check out aisle, I thought about how I just spent thousands to get my teeth redone, so I pointed it at my chest. Before I pulled the trigger, I remembered that I just got plastic surgery done, and it would be a waste to ruin my new store-boughts.”
The doctor is looking at the blond with stark confusion. “So, you decided to blow your finger off?”
The blond shook her head and said “No, I decided to put it to my ear, but before I pulled the trigger, I thought ‘this is gonna be loud’ so I plugged my other ear.”
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