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Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. "Sir, you've been brought before me for drinking."
"Fantastic," says the defendant. "Let's get started!"
All present in the court burst out laughing.
Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, "Order! Order!"
And the defendant says, "All right ... I'll have a whiskey and soda."
Happy pride month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
Two flies are sitting on a turd
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One of them farts. The other says "Dude, we're eating here"
A man has been charged with SA and is having a meeting with his attorney.
“Well,” says the attorney, “I’ve seen the prosecution’s evidence, and we need to decide whether we’re going to go to trial or plead guilty. This is a very serious matter.”
“Yes, I realize that.”
“It’s so serious,” says the attorney, “That I like to lighten the mood in these situations by telling a funny joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this. A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when he spots a man on a camel. Please stop me if you’ve heard this. He runs to the man on the camel and begs him for water.”
“Is this the one with the neckties?”
“Hold on, hold on – the man on the camel says, ‘I don’t have water, but I do have neckties! Buy two get one free!”
"Yes, I’ve heard this one. He gets to the oasis and a tie is required."
“Let me finish. But stop me if you’ve heard this. The thirsty guy says, ‘I don’t need a tie! I need water! Okay, says the tie salesman, you drive a hard bargain. Half off all ties, just for you!”
“Please stop. I’ve heard this.”
“And the guy says, “I don’t want your damn ties! Just tell me where I can find water!"
“You can stop.”
“The tie salesman says, ‘Fine. Just go two miles north; you’ll find an oasis. Plenty of water there.”
“For God’s sake, stop, I’ve heard this.”
“He gets to the oasis and is about to jump into the water, but he’s stopped by a guard.”
“Yeah, yeah,” says the attorney’s client. “The guard says: ‘Sorry, you can’t come in. Tie’s required.”
“You’ve heard this? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I did tell you to stop. I told you, like, a dozen times, and you didn’t!”
“And that,” says the attorney, “is why you’re fucked.”
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An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.
She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.
"Hold it right there, Mabel!" said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. "I need to see your drivers license." Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.
A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.
She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.
"Oh damn," says Mabel. "Not the breathalyzer again."
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There's an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it's like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins.
He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he's ever had.
He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.
Later on he's walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him.
The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back.
When asked why he says, "I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day."
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Michael Stipe walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Wow, I love REM! I can’t believe you’re in my bar!”
Michael Stipe says, “I used to come here all the time.” He points to an old photo on the wall and says, “That’s me in the corner.”
In order to give back to my community, I make frequent conjugal visits to the local women's prison.
It's not much, but it gives me some scents of perp puss.
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A young artist is exhibiting his work for the first time. A well-known art critic approaches, and the artist says, "Can I have your honest opinion of my work?"
"It's worthless," says the critic."
"I know," says the artist, "but tell me anyway."
I have a weird fetish: I like to stick my private parts inside the holes in the middle of CDs.
Today my girlfriend caught me doing this to the disc of an 2009 Pixar movie.
I think I fucked Up.
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A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband her illicit affair is over. He'd already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her...
In a last ditch attempt to convince him, she cut her ex-lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought this would ease her husband’s mind once and for all.
“You see.” she told him. “He was struck by a drunk driver.”
Her husband smiled and replied, “I wasn’t drunk.”
A little girl asks her father, "Daddy, why don't I have a little sister?"
Trying to be funny, her father says, "You do have a little sister."
"I do?" asks the little girl.
"Sure you do," her father says. "But, every time you walk in the front door, she is walking out the back door."
"Oh, I see!" says the little girl. "You mean she's just like my other daddy."
What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?
The mistress says “Oh honey! More! Deeper!”
The hooker says “Come on! Faster! Time to go!”
The wife say “Beige! Beige! I’m going to paint the ceiling beige!”
A woman has two handsome admirers. One of them is a doctor, and the other is a deaf guy. Every day, the doctor gives the woman a rose. And every day, the deaf guy gives her an apple.
One day, the woman says to the deaf guy: "Hey, that doctor friend of mine gives me a rose every day, and I get the symbolism of that. But why do you give me an apple a day?"
And the deaf guy says, "WHAT?"
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