Nintendough
What kind of dough does a gamer use?
Nintendough!
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The Atheist and His Best Friend
An atheist dies and unexpectedly finds himself at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter looks at him over the big book and says, "Ah, it's you. My instructions are to ask if you now wish to enter Heaven."
The atheist blinks, opens his mouth once or twice, and says, "Before I do -- is my best friend Jack here?"
"No," says the saint. "He's down in the other place."
"I could never," says the atheist grandly, "worship a God who would send Jack to Hell just for not saying his prayers, or who would expect me to be happy in Heaven without Jack! I choose the other place with my friend."
"I must accept your answer," says the saint; and a moment later the atheist is in the Vestibule of Hell. There is another big book, and a devil looking at him over it.
"I see you refused Heaven of your own volition," says the devil. "What are we to do with you?"
"I demand to be with my friend!" says the atheist. "He doesn't deserve to be here, and whatever he's getting, I'm willing to share it."
"Ah yes," says the devil. "Your best friend, Jack. Circle of Traitors -- the infinite ice plain. Let's go."
Instantly the atheist finds himself face to face with Jack -- both of them neck-deep in the eternal ice, with an Antarctic gale howling in their ears. With some difficulty, Jack manages to make himself heard. "Hello, Ted."
"Hey there Jack," says Ted. "When I heard you were down here, I figured I wanted to be too. Who'd want to be with a God who'd do this to us? And why the Circle of Traitors?"
"I guess," said Jack, not quite meeting Ted's gaze, "that's what I get for fucking my best friend's wife."
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My wife has difficulty conceiving. I
My wife has difficulty conceiving. I went to the hardware store and bought filler.
- Richand Evans
During my checkup, I asked the
During my checkup, I asked the doctor if everything is alright and he said "well I'm not so sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said: "Well I don't believe in astrology".
"Neither do I", he replied, "my thermometer just broke"
- Lazaro
How Many Bars Do You Work At?
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you've had too much already."
The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can't serve you."
The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.
The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, "I told you, you're cut off! Get out!"
The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, "My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!"
- Daily Joke
18+ content
The Wrong Outlaw
A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking
When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says:
—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!
And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:
— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.
And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:
— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!
And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:
— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!
The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:
— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!
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- Daily Joke
18+ content
For the Record
Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis.
For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .
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- Daily Joke
First Time Offender
The judge asks a woman who was charged with assaulting her husband and destroying his guitars
“First time offender?”
She says ‘No First was a Gibson, Then a Fender’
- Daily Joke
The Judge and the Court Clerk
The Judge says to the defendant, "before I pass sentence, does the accused have anything he would like to say??
The defendant mumbles "F--k all",
The judge doesn't hear him and turns to the clerk of the court and says "what did he say?"
The clerk of the court whispers in the judge's ear "He said f--k all M'lord"
.. the judge hisses back "don't give me that you c--t, I saw his lips move".
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The Cross-Eyed Judge
Three defendands are standing in front of a cross eyed judge.
The judge asks the first one "Your name sir?"
The second one answers "John Smith".
The Judge, already annoyed " I didn't talk to you"
and the third one goes "but I didn't say anything.."
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The Defendant's Drink Order
A judge addresses the wobbly defendant standing in front of him. "Sir, you've been brought before me for drinking."
"Fantastic," says the defendant. "Let's get started!"
All present in the court burst out laughing.
Annoyed, the judge bangs his gavel and says, "Order! Order!"
And the defendant says, "All right ... I'll have a whiskey and soda."
- Daily Joke
Happy Pride Month, Home Depot
Happy pride month to Home Depot!
There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.
- Daily Joke
The Flies at Dinner
Two flies are sitting on a turd
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One of them farts. The other says "Dude, we're eating here"
- Daily Joke
18+ content
The Attorney's Favorite Joke
A man has been charged with SA and is having a meeting with his attorney.
“Well,” says the attorney, “I’ve seen the prosecution’s evidence, and we need to decide whether we’re going to go to trial or plead guilty. This is a very serious matter.”
“Yes, I realize that.”
“It’s so serious,” says the attorney, “That I like to lighten the mood in these situations by telling a funny joke. Stop me if you’ve heard this. A man is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, when he spots a man on a camel. Please stop me if you’ve heard this. He runs to the man on the camel and begs him for water.”
“Is this the one with the neckties?”
“Hold on, hold on – the man on the camel says, ‘I don’t have water, but I do have neckties! Buy two get one free!”
"Yes, I’ve heard this one. He gets to the oasis and a tie is required."
“Let me finish. But stop me if you’ve heard this. The thirsty guy says, ‘I don’t need a tie! I need water! Okay, says the tie salesman, you drive a hard bargain. Half off all ties, just for you!”
“Please stop. I’ve heard this.”
“And the guy says, “I don’t want your damn ties! Just tell me where I can find water!"
“You can stop.”
“The tie salesman says, ‘Fine. Just go two miles north; you’ll find an oasis. Plenty of water there.”
“For God’s sake, stop, I’ve heard this.”
“He gets to the oasis and is about to jump into the water, but he’s stopped by a guard.”
“Yeah, yeah,” says the attorney’s client. “The guard says: ‘Sorry, you can’t come in. Tie’s required.”
“You’ve heard this? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I did tell you to stop. I told you, like, a dozen times, and you didn’t!”
“And that,” says the attorney, “is why you’re fucked.”
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- Daily Joke
18+ content
Mabel Gets Pulled Over Again
An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.
She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.
"Hold it right there, Mabel!" said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. "I need to see your drivers license." Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.
A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they've had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she's free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.
She takes a wrong turn into George's room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.
"Oh damn," says Mabel. "Not the breathalyzer again."
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