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I asked my teenage daughter why she never answers her phone.
She said, “Because it doesn’t make sense to call when you can just text.”
I said, “Then why don’t you text back?”
She said, “Because I saw your text.”
My wife reads her horoscope every morning.
Yesterday she said, “It says today I should avoid arguments.”
I smiled and said, “Good idea.”
She glared and said, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
An archaeologist’s wife was fed up with how much time he spent at work.
She said, “You care more about those old bones than me!”
He said, “That’s not true — you’re just harder to date.”
At the rental car desk, I asked if I could upgrade to something fast.
The clerk said, “Sure,” and handed me keys to a Prius.
I said, “This isn’t fast.”
He said, “It’s fast enough for the speed limit, sir.”
My son asked me for help with his history homework.
He said, “Dad, who invented fractions?”
I said, “Probably someone who only did half their work.”
My wife wanted a “smart home,” so we bought one of those voice-activated assistants.
Now, every time she says “Honey, do the dishes,” it says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Honestly, I’ve never felt so understood.
A teacher asked her class, “Why did the Vikings have barcodes on their ships?”
A student shrugged.
“So they could Scan-dinavian when they returned home!”
On a sightseeing bus, the tour guide says, “On your left, you’ll see one of the oldest churches in the city.”
A tourist asks, “How old is it?”
The guide says, “Roughly 400 years.”
The tourist nods, then asks, “Wow… is it still open?”
The guide smiles. “Not since the pandemic of 1625.”
When we tried to take a family photo, the photographer said, “Say cheese!”
My aunt said, “I’m lactose intolerant.”
My uncle said, “Then say soy cheese.”
And that’s how our entire Christmas card looked like a group mid-sneeze.
A man asked his wife, “Would you still love me if I lost all my money?”
She said, “Of course I would. But I’d really miss you.”
A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks for his anniversary in Roman numerals.
The artist starts inking “IX.”
The man says, “Wait, that’s just 9!”
The artist shrugs. “Hey, buddy, you said you were married in September.”
I once bought a beautiful snow globe on vacation.
When I got home, I realized it was just filled with sand.
Apparently, it was a “Desert Globe.”
Still the most accurate souvenir I’ve ever bought.
My dad has been telling the same corny jokes for 20 years.
Last week, he looked at me and said, “Son, one day, all these jokes will be yours.”
I said, “That’s the worst inheritance I could imagine.”
He said, “Pun accepted.”
A couple went to a marriage counselor. The wife complained, “He never listens! He doesn’t pay attention to me at all!”
The counselor turned to the husband and said, “Sir, is that true?”
The husband replied, “What did she say?”
At a museum, a little boy pointed to a mummy and asked the guide, “Who is that?”
The guide said, “That’s an Egyptian who died thousands of years ago.”
The boy frowned. “Wow. Do we know what he died of?”
The guide said, “He probably stopped breathing.”
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