The Baseball Player Who Holds Water
Which baseball player holds water?
The pitcher.
- Daily Joke
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The Co-Pilot’s Lesson
A fresh co-pilot is flying with a seasoned airline captain. The captain says to the co-pilot, "I want to test how well you know the airplane."
"I am going to go to the lavatory for a #2", says the captain. "When I come back, tell me whether the airplane gets lighter as I relieve myself."
The captain went to do his business, and when he comes back, he asks the co-pilot: "Well, son, is the aircraft any lighter now"?
The co-pilot eagerly answers, wanting to impress the captain: "No, sir, our aircraft does not release lavatory waste when in flight. It is securely stored in the onboard septic tank until the airplane lands and it is flushed by the maintenance crew. Therefore, as a closed system, the weight of the aircraft remained the same before and after you relieved yourself."
"All you think about is shit, son!", says the captain. "The airplane is lighter now because I was away for 15 minutes and we used up two hundred gallons of jet fuel during this time!"
- Daily Joke
Why Scientists Don’t Trust Atoms
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
- Test User
Breathalyzer Twist Joke
She said, "When I put it in my mouth, do you want me to look into your eyes?"
I said, "Miss, just blow into the breathalyzer, please."
- Daily Joke
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The Traffic Misunderstanding
So a guy is sitting at a bar looking dejected. The bartender says, "What's wrong, buddy?"
The guy says, "My wife is divorcing me."
"Why? What happened?"
"Well," says the guy, "my wife said, 'If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.'"
"So?" says the bartender.
And the guys says, "Apparently, 'anything' doesn't include getting stuck in traffic."
- Daily Joke
Budget Meeting That Ended in Takeout
We had a family budget meeting to cut expenses.
Then we ordered takeout to save time.
- Daily Joke
Finally Got Eight Hours of Sleep
I finally got eight hours of sleep.
It took three days, but still.
- Daily Joke
My Bed vs My Alarm Clock
My bed and I are perfect for each other.
The alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
- Daily Joke
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The Golfer’s Backup Plan
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
- Daily Joke
Why Basketball Players Are Messy Eaters
Why are basketball players messy eaters?
Because they dribble.
- Daily Joke
Cantaloupe Wedding
Why did the melons not get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
- Daily Joke
Crumby Cookie
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
- Daily Joke
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Lettuce Celebrate
What did the lettuce say after winning the race?
Lettuce celebrate!
- Daily Joke
Monster’s Favorite Dessert
What is a monster's favorite dessert?
I scream.
- Daily Joke
Snowman Breakfast
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted flakes.
- Daily Joke
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