Three guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

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- Johan

The Karate Parrot Demonstration

Someone sees an old and ugly parrot at a pet store and asks the price on the old bastard. The cashier then tells him that this parrot is worth 5000$. Why?!?! Asks the man in shock. The cashier replies that the parrot was the pet of chuck norris and that he is a well trained guard parrot that is a master of karate. Yeah right replied the man so the cashier takes the parrot out of the cage and points at a sturdy wooden table and shouts. KARATE TABLE!! The parrot jumps in the air KARATE TABLE!!! And smashes the table into sawdust. The man is stunned and can’t believe it. Then the cashier points at a metal door. KARATE DOOR!!! The parrot shouts KARATE DOOR and smashes it in pieces. The man is impressed and buys the parrot. As he gets home his wife looks at the bird and starts yelling at the husband for spending so much money on an old and ugly bird. The man tries to explain “but honey he’s a guard. He knows karate” and the wife shouts in anger KARATE MY ASS.

KARATE ASS!!!!!!!

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Choosing a Punishment in Hell

Once upon a time, an evil man passed away, and his soul was sent to Hell. When he stood before the Devil, Satan address him thus:

"Sinful mortal, you have arrived in my domain on a most auspicious day. Usually, I judge your sins and sentence you to an appropriate punishment. However, for this day only, I shall give you the choice of your eternal punishment. Choose wisely".

The Devil then lead him down an infinitely long hallway, lined with an equally infinite amount of doors. The Devil opened the door to the first room, which contained numerous souls slowly being flayed. The Devil asked the evil man if he wanted to choose this punishment, which the man declines.

The Devil and the Evil Man continued down the way, looking into every room with equally unimaginable torments as the first. For each one, the Devil asked the man if this would be the punishment he wanted, and in each room, the man declined.

Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, the Devil and the evil man arrived to the final room. Once inside, the evil man stared in amazement at a pile of feces, the size of a mountain. Scattered amongst the pile sat numerous dammed souls, drinking cups of coffee.

"Well mortal," asked the Devil, "this room is the last one in my domain, and the last which you can willingly accept. If you decline this room, then I shall choose your eternal fate for you". Given this ultimatum, the Evil Man agreed to accept that room as his punishment.

Once the Devil closed and locked the door behind him, the Evil Man climbed up the mountain of dung and poured himself a cup of coffee.

Just as he was putting the cup to his lips, a large and imposing demon, bearing a large, flaming whip barged into the room. With a crack of the whip the demon bellowed:

CRACK "Okay, you shit eaters, time to get back to work; coffee break is over"!

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- Johan

Popular Graveyard

Did you know the graveyard is the most popular place in town? People are dying to get in.

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👨 Dad Jokes

- Daily Joke

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