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My wife was preparing chicken for the freezer and accidentally left the kitchen scissors inside.
Later, our son opened the freezer and shouted, "Why would anyone put scissors in here?"
I told him, "Obviously, someone wanted cold cuts."
My friend got a tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character on his cheek.
You should have seen the Luke on his face.
A female janitor asked if I'd like to smoke weed with her.
I declined. I'm not interested in high-maintenance women.
What did Mommy Scissors say when her kids acted up?
Cut it out!
What's the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!
What has hands but can't clap?
A clock.
Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe!
Why was the painting sent to jail?
It was framed.
Why did the square go jogging?
To stay in shape!
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
What kind of music do bubbles hate?
Pop.
How do porcupines kiss?
Carefully!
The tour guide promised to show us a hidden gem.
After forty minutes of walking, he admitted it was his car. He'd forgotten where he'd parked.
Our boss installed a suggestion box to make sure every idea gets heard.
It's a shredder, but apparently the noise counts as feedback.
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