An atheist dies and unexpectedly finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter looks at him over the big book and says, "Ah, it's you. My instructions are to ask if you now wish to enter Heaven."

The atheist blinks, opens his mouth once or twice, and says, "Before I do -- is my best friend Jack here?"

"No," says the saint. "He's down in the other place."

"I could never," says the atheist grandly, "worship a God who would send Jack to Hell just for not saying his prayers, or who would expect me to be happy in Heaven without Jack! I choose the other place with my friend."

"I must accept your answer," says the saint; and a moment later the atheist is in the Vestibule of Hell. There is another big book, and a devil looking at him over it.

"I see you refused Heaven of your own volition," says the devil. "What are we to do with you?"

"I demand to be with my friend!" says the atheist. "He doesn't deserve to be here, and whatever he's getting, I'm willing to share it."

"Ah yes," says the devil. "Your best friend, Jack. Circle of Traitors -- the infinite ice plain. Let's go."

Instantly the atheist finds himself face to face with Jack -- both of them neck-deep in the eternal ice, with an Antarctic gale howling in their ears. With some difficulty, Jack manages to make himself heard. "Hello, Ted."

"Hey there Jack," says Ted. "When I heard you were down here, I figured I wanted to be too. Who'd want to be with a God who'd do this to us? And why the Circle of Traitors?"

"I guess," said Jack, not quite meeting Ted's gaze, "that's what I get for fucking my best friend's wife."

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My wife has difficulty conceiving. I

My wife has difficulty conceiving. I went to the hardware store and bought filler.

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- Richand Evans

During my checkup, I asked the

During my checkup, I asked the doctor if everything is alright and he said "well I'm not so sure, Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said: "Well I don't believe in astrology".
"Neither do I", he replied, "my thermometer just broke"

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- Lazaro

How Many Bars Do You Work At?

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "I can't serve you, you've had too much already."

The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, "Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can't serve you."

The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.

The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, "I told you, you're cut off! Get out!"

The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, "My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!"

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18+ content

The Wrong Outlaw

A bunch of cowboys hanging around in the saloon gambling and drinking

When a man that looks like he took the most severe beating runs inside and says:

—You boys better be running, Black Joe is coming!

And falls to the ground. Cowboys think to themselves:

— There are five of us and that Black Joe is alone.

And they carry on with their business when two well known gunfighters stumble in, all covered in blood and struggling to stay conscious:

— Run for your lives! Black Joe is close!

And they both collapsed on the floor. Now all the cowboys were in distress, fearing that Black Joe, and around that time they heard heavy steps and they looked outside. It was a huge man, all dressed in black, with a black beard and two black pistols in each hand. He enters the established and says to the cowboys:

— All of you, suck my cock! Get in line, quickly!

The terrified cowboys felt like they have no choice, so they did as they were told. And when it was all over, that huge guy, as he was putting his pants back on, spoke to the cowboys:

— You guys better get out of here, I saw Black Joe is heading this way!

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For the Record

Wife kicked me out of the house for measuring my penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister’s throat. . .

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First Time Offender

The judge asks a woman who was charged with assaulting her husband and destroying his guitars

“First time offender?”

She says ‘No First was a Gibson, Then a Fender’

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The Judge and the Court Clerk

The Judge says to the defendant, "before I pass sentence, does the accused have anything he would like to say??

The defendant mumbles "F--k all",

The judge doesn't hear him and turns to the clerk of the court and says "what did he say?"

The clerk of the court whispers in the judge's ear "He said f--k all M'lord"

.. the judge hisses back "don't give me that you c--t, I saw his lips move".

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