Shovel Motivation
My shovel is inspiring. It really knows how to dig deep.
- Daily Joke
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Sock Drawer Economy
I do not lose socks. I run a one-sock subscription service.
- Daily Joke
The Golf Course Mistake
A man staggered into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asked the doctor.
"I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
- Daily Joke
Euro-English Plan
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
- Daily Joke
The Judge’s Unusual Deal
Two drug dealers are given a chance by a judge to avoid prison...
The judge tells them, "You guys don't look like hardened criminals. I'll give you a deal: I’m releasing you for 24 hours. Your job is to go out and convince as many people as possible to quit using drugs. If you’re successful, I’ll drop the charges. Come back tomorrow and report your numbers."
The next day, the first guy says, "Your Honor, I got 14 people to quit! I drew two circles: a big one and a tiny one. I told them the big one was their brain before drugs, and the tiny one was their brain after drugs."
The judge is impressed. He turns to the second guy. "And you?"
"I got 165 people to quit, sir!"
The judge is stunned. "165?! Did you use the same 'brain' circles?"
"Sort of," the guy says. "I pointed to the tiny circle and said, 'Listen up, boys... this is what your asshole looks like before you go to prison.'"
- Daily Joke
The Barber’s Strange Question
I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over.
As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”
I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”
Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”
Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”
A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”
I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”
He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”
- Daily Joke
The Radio Show Word Game Gone Wrong
A radio show asked people to call in with words they made up
"Alright sir, what is the word you came up with?"
"Goan."
"How do you spell that?"
"G - O - A - N."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Goan fuck yourself!"
The host disconnects the caller and profusely apologizes to the public.
They get several more callers, all being polite. A while later, another caller goes on.
"What's your word, sir?"
"Smee."
"How do you spell it?"
"S - M - E - E."
"Can you use that in a sentence?"
"Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"
- Daily Joke
Dracula’s Date Night Confusion
Dracula was on a date with a beautiful young woman. After a few glasses of wine she leaned in and said, “I know this is a bit forward, but… what’s your body count?”
Confused, he looked down at himself and said, “Well… it’s this thing under my head. Mostly bones and organs.”
- Daily Joke
The Million-Dollar Question
A jealous husband to his wife: “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
Wife: “I suppose. I would just need to figure out a way to come up with that kind of money.”
- Daily Joke
Rhinoceros and the Fourth Wall
A rhinoceros wakes to find itself in a room with no doors or windows.
All four walls of the room are made of hollow cinder block, but three of the four walls are reinforced with rebar and cement filling rendering them unbreakable.
Utterly confused, the rhinoceros studies the room for a moment and then tries ramming into the first wall to get itself free, but is stunned to find that it won't budge because it is reinforced and completely solid.
The rhinoceros shakes it off and tries ramming the second wall to knock it down, but only managed to break off a few small crumbs because it, too, is reinforced.
In a total daze, the rhinoceros tries ramming the third wall, but then falls over unconscious from trying to ram yet another reinforced wall.
After a few minutes, the rhinoceros regains consciousness and slowly pulls to its feet. Both exhausted and completely unable to withstand ramming another reinforced wall, the poor rhinoceros sinks its head in failure and has all but given up hope.
...but then, with a sudden stroke of genius, the rhinoceros stands on it's hind legs, clears its throat, and asks you, the reader,
"Should I try breaking the fourth wall?"
- Daily Joke
Two C Batteries
When I went to the battery store
I said "I need two C Batteries".
The person just gestured to a shelf and said "Here just look at them".
- Daily Joke
Why They Call You Handsome
What do you call sex with 4 people? A foursome What about 3 people? A threesome
See? I knew there was a reason they called you handsome...
- Daily Joke
Counting to Ten Without a Brain
Scientists removed the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.
He said, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10."
Then they put it back, and removed the right half of his brain and asked him to count to 10
He said, "1, 3, 5, 7, 9."
Finally they removed his entire brain and asked him to count to 10. He says:
'Oh I can count to 10. Believe me. People are saying I can count to 10 better than anyone in the history of our country. If you ask me to count to 10. I will count to 10 the likes of which no one has ever seen before."
- Daily Joke
The Most Awkward Talk Invitation
Tomorrow I'll do a talk for people who can't orgasm.
Please let me know if you can't come.
- Daily Joke
The Booby Trap
My Wife came in to show me her new Bra from Victoria Secret.
I asked her "how much was it?" and she replied "Only $100".
I yelled "you spent $100 on underwear?"
Suddenly she pulled the bra all the way down and I instantly forgot why I was angry ...
I had fallen right into her Booby Trap
- Daily Joke
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