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Two stoners are walking along some railroad tracks, completely high.
The first one looks down and says, "Man, this is the longest staircase I've ever climbed!"
The second replies, "The stairs aren't bothering me. It's this ridiculously low handrail!"
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I'm selling my DeLorean.
It's in excellent condition, has incredibly low mileage, and comes with a fascinating driving history.
I've only driven it from time to time.
I spent two years writing a book about the Black Death.
When I finally submitted the manuscript to a publisher, they rejected it immediately.
Apparently, they suspected me of plaguerism.
I've got some terrible news.
My doctor says I've caught the peekaboo virus.
Apparently, it's serious enough that they're sending me straight to the ICU!
I really wanted to attend this year's autoerotic asphyxiation convention in Las Vegas.
Unfortunately, money was tight, and I wasn't sure I could afford the trip.
But I tightened my belt and came.
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A woman walks into a pharmacy and notices a huge display of tampons advertised at five boxes for one dollar.
She can't believe the price and asks the cashier, "Is that really five boxes for a dollar?"
"That's right," he replies.
"There must be a catch. What's wrong with them?"
The cashier smiles.
"Absolutely nothing. No strings attached."
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I'm an inexperienced mountain climber, but I firmly believe hiring Sherpas is a complete waste of money.
And I will die on this hill.
Three weeks ago, a large tub of margarine fell off a shelf and landed on my foot.
It still hurts every time I walk.
I can't believe it's not better.
I was having dinner with a woman I'd recently met.
Trying to get to know her better, I asked what she did for a living.
"I'm a microbiologist," she replied.
I looked her up and down.
"Nice try. You look like a perfectly normal-sized biologist to me."
I walked into an auto parts store and asked the employee for some brake pads.
He opened his computer and asked, "Sure. What are they for?"
I replied, "They're for stopping the car."
He didn't seem impressed.
My wife was organizing packages of chicken for the freezer and accidentally left a pair of scissors inside.
Later, our son opened the freezer and shouted, "Dad! Why on earth are there scissors in here?"
I looked over and replied, "Someone must have wanted some cold cuts."
I tried donating blood once.
Never again.
The staff wouldn't stop interrogating me.
"Where did you get this blood?"
"Who does it belong to?"
"Why did you bring it in a bucket?"
Honestly, some people just can't appreciate generosity.
A rabbit is running through the forest when he spots a giraffe smoking a joint.
"Why waste your life getting high?" asks the rabbit. "Come running with me! Fresh air and exercise will make you feel amazing!"
The giraffe throws away his joint and follows him.
Further along, they encounter an elephant snorting cocaine.
"Put that stuff away!" the rabbit says. "Come enjoy a healthy run through the forest!"
The elephant agrees and joins them.
Eventually, they find a lion preparing to inject heroin.
"Lion, my friend!" calls the rabbit. "Forget the drugs! Come running with us!"
The lion drops his needle, approaches the rabbit, and punches him straight in the face.
The giraffe and elephant are horrified.
"Why would you do that? He's only trying to help!"
The lion shakes his head.
"Every damn time that little bastard takes ecstasy, he makes us run around the forest like idiots!"
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Someone knocked on our front door.
My wife answered it and shouted upstairs:
"Honey! There's a salesman here with a bald head!"
I shouted back:
"Tell him I've already got one!"
Fun fact: Sugar is the only word in the English language where "su" makes a "sh" sound.
At least, I'm pretty sure.
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