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A burglar hears "Jesus is watching you" in a house. He finds a parrot: "Was it you?" Parrot: "Yes." Burglar: "What’s your name?" Parrot: "Clarence." Burglar: "Who named you that?" Parrot: "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."
Two guys are chased by a starving lion. One prays: "Turn this lion into a Christian." They look back and see the lion kneeling, praying: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."
There are five cows on a farm, one mama cow and four baby calves. The first three ask about their names: Rose, Lily, Daisy. The last baby says, "Duh huh guh nuh!" Mama cow: "Shut up, Cinderblock."
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" Father: "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies." Child asked mother: "How were people born?" Mother: "We were monkeys then evolved." Child: "You lied to me!" Father: "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Why didn’t knights use WiFi? They preferred swords over signals!
Why did the pharaoh refuse to wake up early? He didn’t want to rise and shine!
Why didn’t the dinosaur finish history homework? Because it was extinct!
Why did the beach towel run away? It didn’t want to be taken for granted!
I tried to fight jet lag with coffee. Now I’m awake in three different time zones!
Why did the suitcase refuse to travel? It was feeling a little checked out!
Why does laundry always win? Because it piles on the pressure!
Grandma asked me why WiFi isn’t magic. I told her it kind of is!
Why did my brother hide my homework? Because he wanted to play the “family fun game”!
I tried to cook a romantic dinner. The smoke alarm was very supportive.
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